Rants, raves & the occasional good comment

I know the blog is titled "Rants, raves & the occasional good comment" but due to a lack of anything positive occurring in the country this next post was the best I could come up with. Many may be surprised how the information presented below relates to good comment, but at this point its the best I've got.


This topic has been an all time favourite of time since i began driving....
I have been left speechless, nearly dead and constantly surprised on an everyday basis since I began driving in Joburg. No matter what moves taxi drivers have made in the past their constant innovation about how to disrupt traffic is of world class standards and ensures new methods are always invented.

We all know that taxi's are way overloaded and when you consider that its between R2.50 and R5 for an entire journey you start to appreciate why. I have personally never sampled the Joburg taxi death trap but I have in fact been fortunate enough to have gone in a few mini-bus taxi's in Cape Town. It certainly is an experience...

Just by standing on the side of the road and sticking out your arm to signal over a taxi could be hazardous. The next taxi coming along that road will pull over the second they see you, regardless of any factor. These factors include the lane they are currently driving in, how overloaded the taxi already is and how many people they may kill/harm in doing so. However it must be said that the taxi pulls over there and then, so you won't have to walk more than 3 steps. Not even the finest cities in the world have claim to such taxi service.


Another top quality service our taxi provide is letting passengers out the taxi at any given point. When somebody at the back shouts "I want to stop here" there is no hesitation in slamming on brakes and letting them out at that exact point. Another check box is ticked for brilliant service.

I may be wrong but I have personally never (and I really mean never) seen a taxi turn down a potential passenger. I learned this the way much to my detriment when I pulled over a taxi in cape town and there were probably already 20 something people inside of it. Once the taxi has pulled over you certainly have no chance of telling them you don't feel like hopping in because its crowded. You are basically pulled into the taxi and squashed next to an extra large passenger who is taking up the entire seat and also spills some of themselves onto you. The taxi has a certain noticeable ambiance to it, and usually smells worse than a pub toilet during closing time. Often kwaito music is blaring and the tyres on the taxi account for one of the smoothest rides you'll ever go on.

Now that I've mentioned all the positive factors about our taxi service I do have some very minor problems with the service they provide. The all time classic favourite of mine is usually signaled by a whistle and one hand out of the window by the taxi driver. I like to called it the immunity signal and the reason for this is that it doesn't signal a particular move. Rather what it does so is warn other drivers (if indeed you were even lucky enough to get this warning) that the taxi is about pull some completely crazy move so its best to move as far out the way as possible (they now have immunity). These moves include anything from a dead stop to a 4 lane switch over where the taxi goes from the extreme side of the road to other or even potentially a chat/shoot out with another taxi driver next to him. So drivers beware when you see the immunity hand steer clear!

Although the taxi drivers are responsible for countless deaths (of their passengers and others) on the road the ability to remain unphased and not care about anything/anyone else on the road is rather admirable. The complete lack of regard for other drivers is demonstrated with the highest level of "go fuck yourself" you are likely to find in any industry.

In one particular incident I recall being stuck in a major traffic jam because a number of rioting taxis had decided to block off a major intersection of Louis Botha. One woman who was in a rather upset mood decided she should hoot, and maybe this whole problem would go away, caught a rather nasty surprise when a taxi driver stuck his hand in her window, stole her car keys and walked away with them. Certainly taught her a lesson. (True Story) These guys should not be messed with.

I leave my post here with the conclusion that although there a few negatives to our taxi service, on the whole it is of top quality and that it is the best such service in the world.

This rough draft may be be updated at a later date but for now this is it. I know we all love the brilliant service our taxis provide so I will leave it open to anybody to comment*.


*This anybody excludes a blogger who goes under the alias of "David Brent". "David brent's" real name: Chris Weeks may find himself on the receiving end of a lifetime ban due to his commenting. A picture attached to this post gives warning incase you ever bump into this sick drunk:
Pictured above is Chris Weeks drinking vodka spiked Oros.

Some people like starters, others (for example the dude) are more into their mains* but im definitely a dessert person. Can somebody please explain to me what fruit has to do with dessert? It goes together like lamb and tuna fish. Why people insist on putting fruit into ice-cream, biscotti and chocolate are out of their element, and they deserve the death penalty. It spoils the entire dessert. What I need to stress to people is that fruit and dessert are two completely separate entities. Anybody doing accountancy should certainly understand the importance of not mixing up separate entities. Somebody who I respect greatly as on the great comical minds of our generation put it brilliantly - "People that mix fruit and ice-cream in the same bowl have really given up on life!" credited to Jordan Eckowitz.

Please don't get confused about the point I'm making. I am certainly not saying that you cannot eat fruit after a meal, all I'm saying is that it should not be acceptedly classified as a dessert. The healthy aspect that fruit has proves my point. You just know that when you're told there is going to a "healthy dessert" it's going to be terrible. Why bother?

Another favourite observation of mine relating to this topic is when people eat terribly unhealthy foods for starters/mains and then in some completely oblivious, naive and illogical self justification order a "healthy dessert" or a coffee with skim milk. Its just one of those cases where it doesn't balance out. How can supposedly intelligent human beings equate finishing off a meal with skim coffee to being an acceptable way to stay healthy....

I'm done ranting for one night, im gonna go eat strawberry ice-cream and goto bed.


*For many years the Dude actually considered third and four helpings of mains as a dessert of sort.

I like to consider myself as something of a fast food expert. This achievement puts me in a very elite group. I'm up there with the likes of the guy from super-size me, Peech and Ronald Macdonald.

The routine of ordering food from places such as Steers, Nando's and Maccie D's has become as straight forward as memorizing pi to 82 digits for me. Although all of this may be true there is still a certain area that I always struggle with:
Any fast food expert should know that the sides are an integral part of any meal.
The question is what does the term "regular" mean?
Google's online dictionary service gives this definition for the term "regular"
In accordance with fixed order or procedure or principle; "regular meals".

It should be clear to anybody, including those who have started fast food joints that "Regular" should be size medium.

So where does the confusion come in?

To prove to myself that I'm not going completely crazy and to bring it up as a legitimate concern affecting the fast-food eating community as a whole I logged onto www.mrdelivery.com and behold the results proved what I've always known.

I compared three well known restaurants. Lets call these places, ChickenAways, Nandof and Pizza unPerfect.
Difficult for me to understand why, but it seems each restaurant had a slightly different interpretation of the term "regular."

ChickenAways chooses to use "regular" in place for their medium sides (correctly),
Nandof, had an entirely different interpretation and chose it to mean small; and lastly
Pizza unPerfect used it to classify their large sides.

This may not bother some people but for me it extends to an issue for more important than fast-food. The issue is the education of the entire country. We are not exactly interpreting the bible, John Milton, or Shakespeare.

Since I've been practicing my poetic skills, inspired by the greats such as Chaucer, Cummins and Yeats to mention a few; I will end of my blog with a poem about the topic.

If did I, come hither
to MacDonalds
with mediumness clouding my
hungry mind
would my words betray me?
Or should i recieve the largeness
of my McFries?
When all such Hope
in the intellect
of Human-beings
is somenothing that cannot
be perceived
Maybe I'll get suprised
and the reuglar side
may come just the right
Size for me.

I have been having a particular problem with music/dvd stores. In particular the *Musicb stores seem to be to blame for their rather brainless, impeded staff. On many occasions I have been into a Musicb store to inquire whether they have a particular CD/DVD.

Before I explain to you the process which follows, let us all keep in mind the rather stringent qualifications needed to get a job at a store like this. One of the many necessary restrictions all staff must comply with is an uncompromising desire to be completely and utterly physically non-presentable. The manner in which the staff go about fulfilling this requirement is rather intriguing to me. A popular approach is to get one or more piercings on the most random space on your body you could think of. The piercing just above your lip to one side is my personal favorite. I wonder if all the metal interferes with cellphone calls? Maybe this could explain the lack of communication skills. Dressing like a 12 year-old emo kid and not having gone for a haircut for over 2 years all seem to be acceptable and popular approaches. Physiological problems and dropping out of school at age 11 or younger are also impressive credentials to any candidate applying for the position.


Now after asking one these select, incredibly intellectual employees, who happen to be standing right next to the computer, for a particular CD their response is as follows: Firstly a completely blank look. Thereafter they scrunch up their face and move their eyebrows upwards as if they are in deep thought. This is followed by a look up at the ceiling, maybe hoping that G-d or whoever they may pray to (possibly the ceiling) can provide the answer they are looking for. After this strenuous mental workout they look back at you and shake their head slowly "Na, we don't have that."

"Are you sure, do you not want to check on the computer?"
"No, we don't have it."

At this point its difficult to even justify giving a response. I just accept the situation and walk out the store.

Some may say "Sure, its possible that these guys know exactly whats in the store" but my argument lies in the fact that if indeed these employees were able to memorize such large amounts of detailed information, they would have never been employed in the first place. Am I wrong?

*Names have been changed to prevent lawsuits.

My phone calls generally last around 1 minute, 30 seconds. The trouble is the important part of my conversation is only the first 30 seconds. The next minute is usually spent trying to say goodbye and get off the the phone. A normal conversation ender for me goes something like this:

"Alright sweet boet, so I'll speak to you later"
"Ya awesome, just let me know when you hear about tonight"
"Definitely bru, as soon I get a reply from the other guys I'll call you straight back"
"Ok kewl"
"Sweet enjoy the rest of your day"
"Ya you as well boet, so we'll chat a bit later then"
"Perfect, will speak to you in a bit then"
"Good hear from u soon"
"Ok kewl enjoy"
"Kewl, ciao"
"Bye"
"Cheers"

The conversation above (if u had the patience to read it) is usually quite similar to the end of my conversations. Although all the details and necessary arrangements have already been made prior to this part of the conversation, there is often a need to repeat it, and then discuss it once more. Not mentioning names, but I know of a few other people with this problem, where a conversation ender can take up to 3 or 4 minutes to end it. Anybody reading this please help me cut down my cellphone bill and whenever the first attempt at ending the conversation occurs say goodbye and hang-up the phone.

Boksburg/Benoni has produced some fantastic things in its time. Charlize is just one of many such stars to come out of it. Brandy and coke is another and lets not forget the mullet. In fact im not certain whether the mullet started there, but what I do know is that it has not gone out of fashion and never will.
Out of the midst of such a culture-rich town, a new hero has arissen to the enjoyment of Frikkie van boksburk uit.

A man known to the world only as Vernon Koekemoer (real name unknown) has managed to push aside heroes like the Hoff and Chuck Norris to become an international sensation. He has been popping up everywhere in the media including newspaper articles, internet blogs and even sky news. Headlines read "Move over Chuck, We've got Vernon".

Vernon Koekemoer, may be one of the greatest legends of his generation and all the while he is blissfully unaware of his fame. Rewards are out for his true identity over the net. A group on facebook in support of making Vernon Koekemoer famous peaked and was then closed down. Never fear a new group called "Make Vernon Koekemoer famous … again" has been established and is growing at an alarming rate. The sensation has swept the country like a new KFC branch opening with food at half price. The Fans will do almost anything to meet VK.

Vernon Koekemoer's fame came about when a picture (attached to the post) taken at the H2O music festival started circulating via email. Fans started photoshopping images of Vernon and posting stories about his legendary status.

What can one attribute such greatness to?
People say its hard work to make it in the entertainment industry but for a bloke with natural talent such as Vernon Koekemoer just going to a music festival was all it took. The now famous pose of a very built VK sporting a bokkies oke's mullet and holding a beer in his hand has captured the amusment (and admiration) of fans worldwide.

Whatever it is about the man Vernon Keokemoer nobody can be quite sure, however his legend leaves me pondering...

Is it just me or are these things really weird...

Driving along the roads of JHB, it is most probable that you will come across robots that don't work. Some are just off, which leads to major traffic, accidents and general chaos. We also know taxi's use the robots as suggestions and are optional either way. My question however pertains to the fact that I often see robots flashing red. What exactly does this mean? If the robots can flash red, why not just flash green and orange also. It obviously cannot be a power issue seeing as its flashing red. Where exactly does the problem come in? What possible logical reason could there be for robots only flashing red?

Many of us use the phenomenal service that the Aquazania water company provides. This service includes dropping off random amounts of water each week. No matter how many time you call and them you need x amounts, the chance of it as slim as a bulimic girl after a massive meal and a fresh deposit. It's clear mathematics isn't a specialty of theirs. If you request x bottles of water, chances are you will receive a number between x-5, and x to the power of 30. But moving on... Has anybody ever noticed the "freshly squeezed" label on the water? Maybe people will comment on this and tell me I'm a complete idiot because I've clearly missed the entire advertising objective of it. I figure it has to have a deeper meaning because no person (that I know of at least) could be so intellectually challenged as to think water is "Freshly squeezed." Now although all of the above might be true, every single person I have asked about it, doesn't get it either so clearly something is wrong. Either its an incredibly bad advertising campaign or everybody is stupid. The latter is obviously impossible seeing as I fall into the group of "everybody". Anyway the lucky chap who can decipher the answer to this riddle of sorts will be received a "freshly squeezed" handshake from me. Good luck to you all.

Anybody that has used vending machines or parking ticket machines has at one point or another kicked it and probably cursed it. The strange thing to me is that they are constantly out of change, even though the majority of the money being put into them is indeed change. That aside, another issue of major concern in my life is how these machines can you give change back, but when you try put that exact same coin back into the machine, (to pay for another ticket for example) it refuses to accept it. More stubborn than any person i know (with the possible exception of Luntz) the machine point blank denies the coin came from the machine in the first place and vomits it out every time you try put it in. These scenarios often lead to completely random social scenes where you run around and beg people to exchange R5 coins with you. If extra-terrestrial life does exist it, this is probably the main reason they haven't decided to come live here.

Trying to enter the Kuaia in gym might prove more difficult than first assumed. The only security system that has any merit in the gym (and possibly even the entire country) requires a full life history before entrance is allowed. If, for example, you just want to goto kuaia and not the gym then you have slim chances. I mean who the fuck is gonna say they going to kuaia, proceed to run away and go do a gym session hoping that nobody catches them. Not only that, but who is going to do every single day for a year trying to escape the annual gym fees?? Boggle's my mind?

Im not sure if anybody has ever wondered this, but how can certain names be spelt in such a way that they start off with a double "L". Lloyd for example. Who decided on this spelling and why? I usually would just accept it and move on but for some reason the double 'l' at beginning of names just cannot be right. Why not just Loyd, surely that makes more sense. What different sound does the double l give? It's a bullshit story as far as im concerned. Parents should refuse point blank to name their kids lloyd or any other name where the spelling doesn't make sense.


While staying in the hotel in cape town we came across a particularly grumpy lady at a curio shop downstairs. Is this a sufficient qualification for a position of such importance. It seems to me that any curio shop in the world only employs grumpy old ladies. An all time favourite of these type of people is to get angry when people touch items in the store, in particular chocolates. I would love to setup a situation one day where i send a small brat into a shop to touch all the chocolates. The old lady would no doubt shout at him. I would casually stroll in about 5 minutes later pick up a chocolate, start going towards the till. Then out of nowhere stop dead, shake my head and then declare in a very loud booming voice "I simply refuse to by these chocolates, its clear they have been handled". Besides for seeing the Australian cricket team get a damn good thrashing nothing much could please me more than this scenario.